Some students seem to write in hydraulics
September marks back to school season and as kids no longer study history, I thought I’d warn teachers about some of the written pronouncements they might have to endure in the months to come. To facilitate the flow of information, I have arranged in chronological order this collection of quotes from various websites. • No human beings were found during the Ice Age because it was the pre-stork era.
• In Ancient Egypt people wrote in hydraulics.
• The Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels.
• Cleopatra died when an ass bit her.
• The ancient Greeks invented three kinds of columns—corinthian, ironic and dorc—and built the Apocalypse.
• The Acropolis of Athens contained the Parthian, the Erectum, and the Esophagus, a temple to the war-god.
• Homer wrote The Iliad and the Oddity.
• Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
• Oedipus Complex was a famous queen of Egypt.
• Oedipus killed his father and married his real mother. That’s called incense.
• The Romans prosecuted the early Christians because they disapproved of gladiola fights and would not burn insects before the statue of the emperor.
• Roman women built fires in their brassieres.
• The Crusades were trips to drive the turkey out of the Holy Land.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
• In the Middle Ages many people died from the bluebonnet plague after growing boobs on their necks.
• Because people thought Joan of Arc was a witch they burned her to a steak. • Michelangelo painted the sixteenth chapel.
• Columbus discovered America while cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta Colada and the Santa Fe.
• Henry VIII had a hard time walking because he had an abbess on his knee.
• Sir Francis Drake circumcized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• Queen Elizabeth’s navy defeated the Spanish armadillo.
• William Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
• The main theme of Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra was death and suffrage.
• Miquel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.
• The Pilgrims crossed the ocean in hardships.
• Descartes’ maxim was “cogito eros sum.”
• Johann Bach practiced on an old spinster in his attic.
• The French Revolution occurred because Louis XIV was revolting.
• Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
• Charles Darwin wrote The Organ of the Species.
• In the middle of the 19th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
• Thomas Edison was the inventor of the phonograph and the indecent lamp.
• The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf.
• John Steinbeck went on to win the Nobel Prize for literacy.
• In 1957, Eugene O’Neill won a Pullet Surprise.
• The president of Iran is a man called Mahmoud Iwantjihad.
As geography is not taught the way it once had been, place names also take a beating by students:
• The Israelites lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot.
• Moses went up Mount Cyanide for the Ten Commandments but died before he reached Canada.
• Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from Mount Vatican.
• They are fighting a civil war in Serbia because the Bostonians, Crates and Hertzgodivas want to get rid of the Serves.
• The capital of Ethiopia is Adidas Ababa.