Some students seem to write in hydraulics

Howard Richler

September 2011

September marks back to school season and as kids no longer study history, I thought I’d warn teachers about some of the written pronouncements they might have to endure in the months to come. To facilitate the flow of information, I have arranged in chronological order this collection of quotes from various websites. • No human beings were found during the Ice Age because it was the pre-stork era.

• In Ancient Egypt people wrote in hydraulics.

• The Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels.

• Cleopatra died when an ass bit her.

• The ancient Greeks invented three kinds of columns—corinthian, ironic and dorc—and built the Apocalypse.

• The Acropolis of Athens contained the Parthian, the Erectum, and the Esophagus, a temple to the war-god.

• Homer wrote The Iliad and the Oddity.

• Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

• Oedipus Complex was a famous queen of Egypt.

• Oedipus killed his father and married his real mother. That’s called incense.

• The Romans prosecuted the early Christians because they disapproved of gladiola fights and would not burn insects before the statue of the emperor.

• Roman women built fires in their brassieres.

• The Crusades were trips to drive the turkey out of the Holy Land.

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

• In the Middle Ages many people died from the bluebonnet plague after growing boobs on their necks.

• Because people thought Joan of Arc was a witch they burned her to a steak. • Michelangelo painted the sixteenth chapel.

• Columbus discovered America while cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta Colada and the Santa Fe.

• Henry VIII had a hard time walking because he had an abbess on his knee.

• Sir Francis Drake circumcized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

• Queen Elizabeth’s navy defeated the Spanish armadillo.

• William Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

• The main theme of Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra was death and suffrage.

• Miquel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.

• The Pilgrims crossed the ocean in hardships.

• Descartes’ maxim was “cogito eros sum.”

• Johann Bach practiced on an old spinster in his attic.

• The French Revolution occurred because Louis XIV was revolting.

• Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

• Charles Darwin wrote The Organ of the Species.

• In the middle of the 19th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

• Thomas Edison was the inventor of the phonograph and the indecent lamp.

• The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf.

• John Steinbeck went on to win the Nobel Prize for literacy.

• In 1957, Eugene O’Neill won a Pullet Surprise.

• The president of Iran is a man called Mahmoud Iwantjihad.

As geography is not taught the way it once had been, place names also take a beating by students:

• The Israelites lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot.

• Moses went up Mount Cyanide for the Ten Commandments but died before he reached Canada.

• Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva from Mount Vatican.

• They are fighting a civil war in Serbia because the Bostonians, Crates and Hertzgodivas want to get rid of the Serves.

• The capital of Ethiopia is Adidas Ababa.